Hello everyone!

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Yes, I am that annoying relative that doesn’t ever tell you what they want for Christmas. Last year I wrote an article called “All I Want for Christmas is a Killer Whale Submarine, Pickle-Flavored Candy Canes and 15 Other Things.” I wrote it with the admission that there’s a reason why we annoying relatives don’t tell you what we want: because what we REALLY want for Christmas is so expensive or strange that we’d rather not admit we want it.

So I fessed up on what I REALLY wanted for Christmas, which did in fact include a Killer Whale Submarine.

However, I did not receive a Killer Whale Submarine for Christmas, or any of the other items on the list. This was disheartening. I share to my family and the internets my deepest desires and get nothing. However, I also reflected on the fact that I didn’t share until Christmas Eve. So perhaps my family and the internets didn’t have time to find those items. So this year I am sharing my list on Black Friday so you all have time to bless me in the following ways:

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David Drury’s 2013 Christmas Wish List

Like most authors, I mostly just promote my own books instead of reading other people’s efforts. But from time to time I see a MUST READ book and this one fits the bill: Anybody Can Be Cool… But Awesome Takes Practice by Lorraine Peterson is one such book. I have been cool since I got some parachute pants in 1987, but I have never been awesome and I presume this book has some helpful tips. Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 2.05.57 PM

I now commute to Indianapolis for my work. All of this “windshield time” is  wasted. So in order to improve my productivity I would like this steerable work surface. The reviews sold me on this one:

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Speaking of high risk/high reward, I would also like this Fail Button that includes the sad  “Waa, Waa, Waaaaa” trombone sound my kids make when I do something stupid around the house:

Screen Shot 2013-11-27 at 2.14.25 PMI would also like some Uranium Ore that is on Amazon.com. Why? Because Uranium Ore is Amazon.com, that’s why. Oh and I figure if Iran can have it I should too. Because ‘Merica!

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I would also like Astronaut Bed Sheets:

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And with the sheets I would like a ceiling mirror so I can look at how awesome I am in my Astronaut Bed Sheets–otherwise what’s the point?

INNOVATIVE LEISURE DEVICES

I have a whole category related to laziness this year. Actually, I prefer to think of these items as “innovative leisure devices” or ILD’s for short:

My wife is always hoping I would do more cleaning around the house. So I figure these Dust Mop Slippers will help:

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Speaking of being lazy… I’ve noticed that I spend a lot of time twirling my fork while eating pasta. This seems like something technology should have solved by now. And lucky for me it has with the new Twirling Spaghetti Fork:

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 Swirling is almost as annoying as twirling… so I would also like this self-swirling mug in order to increase my productivity:

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I would like this automatic bed-maker as well. I’m thinking my wife might get this for me so you might check with her before you run out and buy.

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And now another new 2013 Category: INFLATABLES!

I now travel quite a bit to speak around the country or to go to meetings and conferences. I have an inflatable neck pillow that is very useful. It can be tucked away in a pocket and then pulled out and blown up when I need it. So I’ve been thinking about all the other inflatable items that would be useful:

For times when I am with other impressive men who are either much older than me or have more impressive facial hair, I would like this inflatable beard:

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For times when I am with a bunch of academic people who all have “Ph D” after their name I would like this emergency inflatable brain. (Notice that it’s not just your ordinary run of the mill inflatable brain, which you likely already own. This is an EMERGENCY inflatable brain.)

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I find that I am now often in the company of many people who speak other languages. The other day I was in a meeting where everyone spoke Spanish but me. I felt a bit awkward not having any thing to contribute. I was out of place. So, I would like this inflatable sombrero to pull out, blow up, and wear so as to fit in better. (I went to a cross-cultural diversity training course and this idea didn’t come up but I almost suggested it because I think it will show great effort at ethnic sensitivity.)

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In my travels I’m always wondering what would happen if the pilots on my plane ate poisoned fish for dinner and were incapacitated, and so would need someone to fly the plane. For this reason I would like this inflatable auto-pilot, for obvious reasons.

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I would also like this inflatable ninja sword and this inflatable pirate ship. I couldn’t come up with a reason why, I just think they are cool.

BACON-RELATED ITEMS

Last year I asked for Bacon-Flavored Candy Canes. I didn’t get them. This year I am expanding my bacon-related category to four items in honor of my friend Erik Fisher of Beyond the To-Do List who reminds me at all times to Carpe Arvina.

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I would like these adhesive bandages which look like bacon:

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I would also like some bacon-flavored coffee:

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After drinking coffee I usually want to brush my teeth, perhaps floss, and also have a mint so my breath doesn’t smell like coffee. But after drinking BACON coffee I would lose the taste of bacon in my mouth Luckily they have invented Bacon floss:

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And also bacon flavored mints.

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So… problem solved!

Now, for some honorable mentions:

I would like this heated snake rug in case I want to be warm and toasty while also freaking my wife and kids out:

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I am an uncle to children smaller than my own. For this reason I would like two small child products for those Holidays when I spend time with them. Both products are fecal-matter related.

First, the iPotty, to protect my iPad when I loan it to my nephews and nieces

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I’ll also need this Poop Predictor… because I refuse to use the dip stick method of securing this information:

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I have found that I am only impressive on my first visit to speak somewhere. Once people get to know me the appeal kind of dissipates. Luckily I have learned a bunch from super-awesome famous mega-church pastors. They have a great solution for this in the “Pastor’s Personal Zip Line.” What you do is you hook up this zip line and make a grand entrance to launch the sermon. Check it out:

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Dozens of pastors have done this… but I want one to take with me on the road for those return visits when I need a bit of an ego boost for the message. Purchase here.

And finally, I would also like my own End Times Billboard, this calendar of Nuns Having Fun and this 1970s Hairy Chest and Bling sweater for cold days when I’d still like to impress friends and colleagues.

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Don’t feel pressured to get multiple items on the list. Remember: it’s the thought that counts, it is better to give than receive, and Bacon-flavored mints are the reason for the season… or something like that!

So that’s what I’d like for Christmas. How about you? What other item would you suggest for me or for your own wish list? (Please provide links for our enjoyment.)

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