I’m that annoying relative that doesn’t ever tell you what they want for Christmas. There’s a reason why we annoying relatives don’t tell you: what we REALLY want for Christmas is so expensive or strange that we’d rather not admit we want it.

So, for all of us out there who are truly impossible to shop for, I confess my true Christmas Wish List. [User note: you can actually purchase each of these items at the links provided, no joke! Isn’t the internet amazing, and likewise disturbing?]

Here are the 17 things I really want for Christmas:

17. I would like a Volkswagen Aqua. I am commuting to work these days, and it seems like everyone in the city of Indianapolis has a better car than I do. I’ve considered upgrading–but with the Aqua (a hovercraft car) I wouldn’t keep up with the Joneses–I would leapfrog them. Also, if there was a lot of traffic I could just take a river to work.

16. I would also like a Unicorn Mask. Nothing says “magical” and “creepy” at the same time like a Unicorn Mask, I think you’ll agree.

15. In order to curb interruptions I would like a Paintball Sentry Gun which I would install near the door of my office, along with security cameras–and when unwanted visitors approach it would spring into action.

14. How awesome would it be to have these StickNFind Bluetooth Location Stickers which you can attach to anything and then find it later. Also, it would be a way to play spy and do recon on that suspicious person at the office. Very 007. Definitely want these for Christmas!

13. The only problem with the wonderful Coffee With Jesus webcomic is you “can’t take it with you.” That’s changed now that there is a Coffee With Jesus Mug. Want!

12. I dislike Candy Canes. Instead, I would like to try these Pickle-flavored Candy Canes. I like pickles. I like Christmas. It’s two things I like in one! Plus I could ensure my kids wouldn’t eat all the Candy Canes displayed on the tree when I’m not looking.

11. In even better news I would also like some Bacon-flavored Candy Canes. I mean–it’s BACON! Nothing helps you celebrate a holiday with such deep Jewish context than Bacon-flavored Candy Canes!

10. I would like this Whac a Mole game installed in my office–not as a diversion from work, but as a certified training mechanism for my job. Basically it simulates what my job is like most days. It should be covered under Workers Comp.

9. I would like this real life Mech Warrior for Christmas. In order to arrive to conflict meetings in this attire more fitting for the occasion, and if things don’t go my way, well, the options are many.

8. Just in case this list all comes to me on Christmas but I’ve forgotten something, I would also like this real-life Zoltar Fortune Teller machine as well. This would be like “wishing for more wishes,” I know… but who wouldn’t wish for more wishes? It’s obvious. By the way, my first wish is that Tom Hanks would have never filmed the horrible movie “Joe Verses the Volcano.”

7. I would like a Jet pack. For reals. You don’t?

6. It would be nice to get this Temporary Tattoo System as a stocking stuffer too. This is the perfect gift for that man like me who wants to look hard core but lacks commitment or has a low-pain tolerance threshold.

5. If you could get me this Hulc Exoskeleton I wouldn’t hurt my back picking up stuff for other people anymore. Getting a bit older here people, and just because I’m bigger than you doesn’t mean I’m your “move furniture” slave. Chip in for the Exoskeleton and we’ll call it even.

4. Instead of avoiding traffic with my hovercraft–sometimes I’d like to go “through” traffic, or even “drive over” it. Avoiding other drivers just isn’t as cathartic as punishing them. Therefore, I would like to get a real-life Tank to drive to work, which you can now buy, conveniently, on the internet.

3. My bedroom is a bit boring. I’d like this one instead: Underwater Bedroom. Counting sheep is for the hoi polloi. It’s much more dignified to count real-life manta-rays and hammerhead sharks overhead.

2. Just so you don’t think I’m selfish and unromantic, I would like my wife to receive something as well on this list. His and Hers Han & Leia Rings would be the perfect gesture for Kathy and I since I’m a Star Wars fan and she’s never even watched Episode V and won’t even get this joke, which is even more awesome, I think you’ll agree. What’s more, Kathy would actually wear this ring for me in order to complete the joke which makes her even more awesome than a wife that loves Star Wars and is geekily more into it than me–which in reality is a little disturbing. Thank the LORD for that woman! MEANWHILE, have you heard that Harrison Ford is “open to reprising his role” in the new Disney-backed films? Yes, that makes these rings as timely and timeless as ever. Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a pair of ironic Han and Leia rings, kid.

1. Finally, I would like a Killer Whale Submarine. Why? Because it exists and I don’t have one, that’s why.

 

SOOOooooo. That’s what I’d like for Christmas. How about you? Which one of these is the perfect gift for you… or what other item would you add to the awesomeness that is this list? (Please provide links in the comments for everyone else’s enjoyment–and who knows, we might just buy them for you!)

 

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