This is Hannah, your honest flight attendant. I’m sorry to interrupt your nap with this extremely loud announcement. Please insert ear protection for the remainder of the flight. Even though it is dark out and you each have your own personal spotlight, I have turned on all the cabin lights in case you want to review the safety information in your seat-back pocket one more time because our Captain, Jack Vanderbuilt, is about to steer us right into some expected turbulence because he feels a bit sleepy and needs a challenge.
I awoke you most of all for this special announcement: if you do not yet have our MasterVisa Completely Awesome Air Rewards Card you can get one on this flight and receive 10% off our $8 granola bars and you will also be one of the first to receive a life vest in the extremely unlikely but possible event of a water landing, due to the upcoming turbulence over Lake Huron.
In a moment my partner in flying crime, Attendant Joey, will proceed through the cabin with the aforementioned granola bars and other assorted pre-packaged snacks which currently cost 4 times what they cost in the terminal, which likewise cost 3 times what they cost in California, which of course are 50% more expensive than what they cost in the Midwest.
Those of you with an aisle seat will know Attendant Joey is passing through the cabin as he was hired by this airline 15 years and 95 pounds ago. In the event of a water landing I plan to use Attendant Joey as a floatation device. I will now turn off the lights so that you may go back to sleep.
I should add that due to federal regulations, as soon as 50% of you have fallen asleep again Captain Jack will give an announcement even louder than this one about the fact that we are passing the lights of some Midwestern city you don’t care about to our right. He will continue to mention all kinds of altitudes that he has flown in this flight–which will mean nothing to you. He might also mention that it is currently 59 degrees in Paris, which has nothing to do with this flight or any other possible connection for any person on this flight.
Later on we will resume refreshment service, but will stop 3/4th of our way back due to the previously mentioned expected turbulence. Also: due to routine maintenance the lavatories in the rear of the plane are unavailable. The first class lavatories are available to our first class guests and those with an activated MasterVisa Completely Awesome Air Rewards Card. The rest of you can feel free to use seat 27B. Apologies to Mr. Stevensberg in seat 27A, who was up until this point looking forward to the extra elbow room for this flight.
On behalf of Attendant Joey, Captain Jack, and the co-pilot who is right now playing Solitaire on his laptop, we want to thank you for flying with us. We know you have many choices when it comes to air travel, and you chose our airline for no particular reason since all of us are equally horrible.
– Hannah the Honest Flight Attendant