Doing It All: 
Pleasing Everybody with My New Year’s Resolutions

2013 Version

By David Drury

 

Each year, like most people, I update my New Year’s Resolutions. Unlike most people, I express these resolutions as a reflection of everyone’s expectations for me. So here is 2013’s update to my resolutions, featuring some adjustments this year to accomodate new technology that is intruding into my life, social media & more flossing than ever. Enjoy!

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Everywhere I turn I’m told that something is wrong with me. If I watch TV long enough I’m sure to see a before and after picture of someone that lost half their body weight. I notice I look more like the “before” picture than the “after.” The mantra pounds my ears like a marching band: “diet and exercise, diet and exercise, diet and exercise.” If I ask a friend for advice they give me a list of 5 things I should be doing daily. The Chiropractor tells me to cut out soda pop and start stretching. The doctor tells me to lose weight. The fitness instructor tells me to lift weights to tone my body not just run on the tread mill. One of my very in-shape friends tells me you have to eat really bad food and not exercise one day every two weeks to shock my body back into responding to healthy food and exercise the rest of the time. I can barely keep what I’m already doing straight—much less what I shouldbe doing. So much to do, so little time!

But it’s not just physical advice I get, it’s also emotional and spiritual advice. If I read a Christian book I feel ashamed and realize I need to study the Bible much more than I do. One of my friends insists I need to memorize a good chunk of scripture every week. At a pastor’s conference I was told I should sleep 8 hours and then pray 2 hours each day. Another prayer book told me the greatest men and women of God always pray 3 to 4 hours a day! It appears that my body is not the only thing out of shape—my heart and soul are likewise flabby and unattractive.

On top of all this are the things I need to do around the house and in my community. There much to do and only 24 hours a day to do it in. So I’ve decided to finally take everyone’s advice this year. Usually I blow off it all off. But now I’m taking it seriously. What everyone is telling me is true—I’m an overweight, depressed, unspiritual hack who will die soon from a deadly cocktail of trans-fats, killer mold and NutraSweet. It’s time to change.

So here is my new 2013 Daily Routine… laid out hour by hour and minute by minute for the coming year. After considering all the advice I’m receiving this is what my days will look like from now on.

DAVID DRURY’S 2013 DAILY ROUTINE NEW YEAR RESOLUTION:

AM

WAKE UP ROUTINE

6:00 AM  Wake up

6:00-6:05 Take slow and regulated deep breaths before I get up

6:05-6:10 Kneel beside by bed and pray the Lord’s Prayer to prepare for the day

6:10-6:15 Drink a glass of water (1 of the 8 required each day)

PHYSICAL EXERCISE

6:15-6:30 Drive to gym

6:30-6:35 Pre-workout stretching

6:35-6:40 Berate my out-of-shape self in the mirror for motivation

6:40-6:45 Warm-up exercise

6:45-7:00 Fat-burning work out

7:00-7:05 Try to act natural look like you’re not the “New Year’s Resolution Workout Guy”

7:05-7:25 Extreme cardio workout

7:25-7:45 Body tone weightlifting

7:45-7:50 Cool-down

7:50-7:55 Post-workout stretching

7:55-8:00 Weigh myself as usual and find out I haven’t lost any weight yet

8:00-8:05 Cry in the shower to hide my girth, shame & tears

8:05-8:08 Shave so that today no older men tell me, “Looks like you need to stand closer to the razor”

8:08-8:10 Brush and floss

8:10-8:15 Drink a glass of water (2 of 8)

8:15-8:30 Drive home

BREAKFAST

8:30-8:45 Prepare a healthy meal for myself including a balance of the food pyramid

8:45-9:00 Sit up straight and fully chew my food instead of gulping it down

9:00-9:05 Drink a glass of water (3 of 8)

9:05-9:10 Read the newspaper to stay up on current events

9:10-9:15 Share, retweet or post my own very divisive political statement based on how angry the paper made me

SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT

9:15-9:18 Review past memorized verses

9:18-9:22 Time alone for meditation & reading “Jesus Calling”

9:22-9:23 Prayer time for missionaries

9:23-9:24 Prayer time for all the sick people I know

9:24-9:29 Time to memorize new verses

9:29-9:34Time to deeply study a chapter of the Bible

9:34-9:35 Time to review verse I just memorized but already forgot

9:35-9:38 Prayer time with my family

9:39-9:40 Post an Instagram pic of my family praying together to impress my friends, likely using a “Sutro” filter

MORNING TO-DO LIST

9:40-9:45 Pick up the 48 articles of clothing left in the living room by my kids while I was working out, eating and developing myself spiritually

9:45-9:50 Read Christian books and magazines which will have great covers but be oppressively boring.

9:50-9:55 Wake up and read books and magazines on writing to develop my craft

9:55-10:00 Journal to express my soul and develop a free spirit in writing

10:00-11:00 Actually write articles and book chapters

10:00-10:29 Promotion of my writing to agents and publishers, including cash bribes

10:29-10:31 Brush and floss

10:31-10:40 Fix things in my house that are broken

10:40-10:50 Build things in my house that need to be built

10:50-11:00 Perform car maintenance

11:00-11:20 Vacuuming and dusting

11:20-11:30 Read all the e-mails and social media messages I received the day before.

11:30-12:00 Delete all the unneeded emails and junk e-mails and social media messages I received the day before

PM

LUNCH

12:00-12:15 Prepare a healthy meal for myself including a balance of the food pyramid

12:15-12:20 Drink a glass of water (4 of 8)

12:20-12:35 Sit up straight and fully chew my food instead of gulping it down

12:35-12:50 Read an article in The Atlantic Monthly to become more cultured and intellectually elite

12:50-12:55 Brush and floss

AFTERNOON TO-DO LIST

12:55-1:05 Spend quality time with my son by entering his open LAN and interacting with his computer-generated avatar in an open-world computer game. Teach him about the birds and the bees in the chat menu while we mine for coal and diamonds underground. Double-check to ensure it’s really him first, as prosecution is possible if not.

Warm Months:

1:05-1:45 Lawn fertilization, aeration, irrigation, patching, seeding, protecting, growing, re-fertilizing, coddling, winterizing, mowing, showing off for neighbors, etc.

1:45-2:15 Tend to garden to ensure I am getting home-grown all-natural vegetables and fruit in my diet

2:15-2:30 Can or dehydrate foods for the long winter

OR Cold Months:

1:05-1:45 Snow removal

1:45-1:50 Dress more warmly

1:50-2:00 Drink coffee to stay warm

2:00-2:15 Huddle pathetically in corner while teeth chatter

2:15-2:30 Open packages and dehydrated food from the summer

2:30-2:40 Talk to customer support for computer problems on my wife’s Windows computer (only happens 4 days of 7… on other 3 days download software upgrades to her programs).

2:40-3:00 Drink a glass of water (5 of 8) while on hold with customer support

3:00-3:10 Instal her new virus software (daily)

3:10-3:15 Required rebooting of computer after fixing her problems (daily)

3:15-3:30 Visit elderly shut-ins to show respect and love to my forebears

3:30-4:00 Volunteer my time at local community service organizations, and soup kitchens

4:00-4:15 Run errands in town

4:15-4:30 Watch “Katie” to see if Katie Couric is smiling again now that she doesn’t have to do the news anymore

4:30-4:55 Watch “Dr. Phil” to gain new life strategies and homespun professional “get real” wisdom that gives me a new perspective by featuring astonishingly idiotic people which the camera will zoom in on so close I can count their nose hairs

4:55-5:00 Clean up my puke after watching Dr. Phil

5:00-5:05 Brush and floss

5:05-5:15 Write letters to long-lost friends to ensure we stay in touch

5:15-5:18 Look up names of long lost friends whose names I forget on facebook and “add friend” to them

5:18-20 Deny the friend requests of old friends who want to connect with me

5:20-5:25 Write letters to television companies to beg them to stop creating endless amounts of reality television and game shows

5:25-5:30 Chat with neighbors to gain a sense of old-time community in our neighborhood

DINNER

5:30-5:45 Prepare a healthy early dinner for myself including a balance of the food pyramid and ensuring I do not eat too late

5:45-6:00 Sit up straight and fully chew my food instead of gulping it down

6:00-6:10 Do the dishes from the day

6:10-6:15 Brush and floss

6:15-6:20 Drink a glass of water (6 of 8)

EVENINNG PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

6:20-7:00 Read a tedious bestselling thriller which everyone says I “have to” read and so they gave to to me for Christmas–which is really just homework. Just because you covered it in wrapping paper and called it a gift doesn’t change that it’s homework

7:00-7:20 Watch self-help videos or listen to productivity podcasts in order to better myself and reach my full potential

7:20-7:30 Cycle through my Facebook feed and click “Like” on everything my friends posted while at work today

7:30-7:40 Cycle through my Twitter feed and retweet the best examples of people trying to impress the world with their wordsmithiness and cleverness

7:40-7:45 Wish happy birthday to my 4 friends per day (on average, literally) that had a birthday that day, adding to the list of 300 other people that did the same thing

7:45-7:50 Respond to urgent texts from the day by saying “Srr I just got this. I was in mtgs. M I too late?”

7:50-8:00 Pick up art supplies my kids got out while I was on the computer

8:00-9:00 Watch one hour of Justified, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Parks and Recreation, Sons of Anarchy, Homeland, Modern Family, Walking Dead and other shows I’ve never seen but my friends tell me I HAVE to start watching

9:00-9:10 Pick up cereal crumbs, dishes, and glasses my kids got out while I watched an hour of TV

9:10-9:15 Drink a glass of water (7 of 8)

PRE-SLEEP PREVENTION TECHNIQUES

9:15-9:20 Put my kids to bed to prevent them from staying up all night eating M&M’s and playing videogames

9:20-9:25 Read a story with my kids to prevent them from saying I was a bad father when they grow up, consider doing this via Skype or Facetime to their portable devices to keep their attention and so I don’t have to get up.

9:25-9:30 Brush my teeth to prevent tooth decay while sleeping

9:30-9:35 Floss to prevent future root canals

9:35-9:40 Use antiseptic mouthwash to prevent nasty breath

9:40-9:45 Personal grooming (including unwanted hair, nail & wart removal) to prevent grossing other people out

9:45-9:50 Stretch to prevent back trouble while sleeping

9:50-9:55 Eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away

9:55-10:00 Re-brush teeth and floss after eating the apple to prevent tooth decay

10:00-10:05 Fluff pillow to prevent stiff-neck

10:05-10:10 Kneel beside bed and pray the serenity prayer to prevent demon possession while asleep

10:10-10:30 Read 1/365th of the Bible to ensure I read the whole thing every year and prevent going to hell

10:30-10:40 Adjust daily to-do list for the following day to prevent lapse into last year’s endless cycle of loserdom

10:40-10:45 Get into Chiropractor-prescribed bed to ensure no curvature of the spine

10:45-10:50 Lay on side to prevent snoring and thus prevent divorce

10:50-10:51 Think non-stressful thoughts to prevent bad dreams or insomnia

10:51-10:55 Get back up to stressfully drink a glass of water which I forgot to do earlier (8 of the 8 required each day)

10:55-11:00 Go to the bathroom, for the first time today

11:00PM Sleep 7 hours of a minimum of 8-10 hours I am told we require (there is too much of all this stuff in one day to get the 8 hours… you have to cut somewhere!)

There you go… my new daily routine. Sounds great, doesn’t it? After I do this for the next 365 days I’ll be in great physical and spiritual shape and all the things everyone has been telling me I need to do daily will get done! I will finally be pleasing everyone with my life.

Of course, I had to leave out a few things in order to make this daily schedule of priorities work. Yes, there is no time for any friendships. Sorry. My family also does not receive much time in this plan. My kids will have to tend to themselves for a few years. Also, I will have no time for my job anymore, which will mean I’ll lose my income and my home and perhaps my family (if they don’t leave me first after ignoring them for a year to do all this stuff). But those losses are no doubt a small price to pay for what matters most: my spiritual and physical health. Check back in a year and see how I’m doing!

So, what are your New Year’s Resolutions?

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