[Warning: this post contains 300 grams of satire and is not recommended for legalists, killjoys or dead fish. It’s Wednesday, and I just post for fun on Wednesday.]

Perhaps you are like me and you often would like to insult someone, but you also find yourself in the uncomfortable situation of being in a role or context, where insulting someone is considered uncouth, or perhaps even immoral. This poses a quandary, because, let’s face it, some people are just so stupid that it would be stupid not to insult them in some way. Perhaps the only solution to this problem is the classy insult system, found on the interwebz by one of my sharp-dressed readers named John Drury (who I believe is related to me in some way.)

Classy Insult System

"Stay classy, Thou gleeking elf-skinned dewberry." - Wm. Shakespeare

The Classy Insult System is simple. Each of the following adjectives and nouns have been culled from the works of Shakespeare. There’s nothing classier than an awareness of the texts of the great British Bard. To insult some spleeny rump fed moldwarp do what I just did: spleeny is from the first column, a word the Bard used to describe someone in Henry VIII. You then add the second word, and the final noun to complete a taunting trifecta! For added effect, place the word “Thou” before the phrase. And remember to stay classy, even when insulting some currish beef-witted coxcomb.

[highlight class=”highlight_yellow” style=””]So, how about you? What’s your favorite combination? Feel free to insult me in the comments in a classy manner.[/highlight]

Column 1	    Column 2            Column 3 

artless             base-court          apple-john
bawdy               bat-fowling         baggage
beslubbering        beef-witted         barnacle
bootless            beetle-headed       bladder
churlish            boil-brained        boar-pig
cockered            clapper-clawed      bugbear
clouted             clay-brained        bum-bailey
craven              common-kissing      canker-blossom
currish             crook-pated         clack-dish
dankish             dismal-dreaming     clotpole
dissembling         dizzy-eyed          coxcomb
droning             doghearted          codpiece
errant              dread-bolted        death-token
fawning             earth-vexing        dewberry
fobbing             elf-skinned         flap-dragon
froward             fat-kidneyed        flax-wench
frothy              fen-sucked          flirt-gill
gleeking            flap-mouthed        foot-licker
goatish             fly-bitten          fustilarian
gorbellied          folly-fallen        giglet
impertinent         fool-born           gudgeon
infectious          full-gorged         haggard
jarring             guts-griping        harpy
loggerheaded        half-faced          hedge-pig
lumpish             hasty-witted        horn-beast
mammering           hedge-born          hugger-mugger
mangled             hell-hated          joithead
mewling             idle-headed         lewdster
paunchy             ill-breeding        lout
pribbling           ill-nurtured        maggot-pie
puking              knotty-pated        malt-worm
puny                milk-livered        mammet
qualling            motley-minded       measle
rank                onion-eyed          minnow
reeky               plume-plucked       miscreant
roguish             pottle-deep         moldwarp
ruttish             pox-marked          mumble-news
saucy               reeling-ripe        nut-hook
spleeny             rough-hewn          pigeon-egg
spongy              rude-growing        pignut
surly               rump-fed            puttock
tottering           shard-borne         pumpion
unmuzzled           sheep-biting        ratsbane
vain                spur-galled         scut
venomed             swag-bellied        skainsmate
villainous          tardy-gaited        strumpet
warped              tickle-brained      varlot
wayward             toad-spotted        vassal
weedy               unchin-snouted      whey-face
yeasty              weather-bitten      wagtail


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