Perhaps in every age we are fascinated with the post-apocalyptic. But the advantage of today is that we have photoshop and computer-generated movies to make things actually LOOK post-apocalyptic. Just imagine what John of Patmos would have done with the tools of hollywood.


I love post-apocalyptic movies. How about this: let’s make a low-budget but awesome post-apocalyptic movie called “Bored Teen Zombies!”

First, we need some great locations. Luckily Distractify has already scouted 38 great locations for our movie. See them over here.

I’m thinking we shoot the Mirny Diamond Mine in Eastern Siberia, Russia…

Mirny Mine

Perhaps some kind of demons come out of the ground here, who have been living at the center of the earth reading YouTube and Facebook comments watching our civilization tear itself apart at the seams and waiting for their cue. The cue has something to do with the convergence of the Planets, Miley Cyrus, Obamacare, and Duck Dynasty. (PS: We’ll need somebody to write the script.)

Then, a group of impossibly good looking high school students escape their town and hide out in the abandoned Six Flags Jazzland in New Orleans, Louisiana:


This is when the Zombies show up. Instead of being caused by a virus in this apocalypse movie the Zombie are just really bored teenagers who spent too much time on social media–which adds to the realism. They pursue you somewhat nonchalantly, while taking selfies with their Zombie smart phones right before they bite into your flesh, which also adds to the realism. Our plucky good-looking teens will hide out in creepy rooms like this…

clown in six flags

…where the Bored Teen Zombies (BTZs) will jump out at them in a terrifying way, and then the BTZs will post a “Reaction Video” on Instagram before they kill the teens.

Our heroes will make their way to the Orpheum Auditorium in New Bedford, Massachusetts:


Here they will have that “calm before the storm” moment and put on little “Glee-style” musical, just before the ceiling collapses and thousands of BTZs come after them.

They will escape and make a final stand at the Red Sands Sea Forts in Sealand, United Kingdom, which were clearly designed for a film just like this.

red sands

Most of our heroicly good-looking teens will die here, being dragged off their platform by kayaking and jet-skiing swarms of BTZs who purchased their watercraft on eBay (In the new BTZ economy all purchases are made online.)

Two of the teens survive. One is the cheerleading captain, Emma, and the other is the gloomy emo rocker Braden. They defeat the Zombies by praying for Jesus to return, and also by looking at the BTZs (and the camera) in a smoldering manner.

In the middle of a huge pile of zombies and their dead High School friends they kiss… AND… Scene!

In the musical montage denouement they move to this lighthouse…

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERA…where God starts to rebuild the New Heaven and the New Earth.

Okay, that’s a start. I admit that the script needs work and the theology is a little fuzzy but the effects and locations are great, so what I just described is the perfect recipe for a blockbuster movie these days.

Want in? Just name your role or title for the film and you’re in. First come, first serve. Want to be the Assistant Director? It’s yours. Want to be cast as Braden, go for it. Want to be the Zombie makeup crew chief? Start crafting now!

Just name your role/title and let’s get going on this!

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