Screen Shot 2013-12-27 at 10.59.38 AM2014 New Year’s Resolutions

“The Gluten-Free, Cake-Pop, & Dialysis Diet Edition”

By David Drury

I tend to look upon New Year’s Resolutions with some sense of skepticism. Sorry. I’m a skeptic. So I resonate with Henry Moore, who said, “I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s.” Also I tend agree with this: “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. By the way, Emerson became awesome despite having both the first name, “Ralph” and the middle name “Waldo” so there’s hope for us all.

MEANWHILE, I should perhaps give a second look to my New Year’s Resolutions. G. K. Chesterton (no small skeptic himself) analyzed the meaning of making them well here:

“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.” – G. K Chesterton

Of course, when I say “no small skeptic” about Chesterton you may have suspected that it was a fat joke. That dude was enormous! Chesterton should have had a New Year’s Resolution about not eating so many roasted pheasants in one sitting each day. He was known to wear two watches for each time zone his body was in. They also say that Chesterton was the one who gave Dracula diabetes.

Screen Shot 2013-12-27 at 10.32.04 AMMEANWHILE, this year I’ve included several additions to my Resolutions list. These are marked with a convenient asterisk (*) by them for your reading pleasure. Several other items are adjusted to indicate other ways I’m changing my daily schedule this year from last year’s version. A few notable items: I have resolved, due to the social media obsession of many of my friends, to eat something gluten-free multiple times a day, even if it tastes horrible. Also, the “cleanse diets” that everyone is doing these days intrigue me but they seem like half-measures. So I’m inventing a new “dialysis-diet cleanse.” People are always saying the food I’m eating is clogging up my arteries. So this should help. I’ll let you know how it works out. I also want to spread cheer with something I see every other tile on Pinterest–so multiple times a day I’m going to give a creatively decorated cake-pop to a child and so shine a good deed in a weary world. I also plan to merge all of the current trendy workout plans into one epic workout which I am calling the “High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout.” I might write a book on it but I will likely  rename it as the Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego Plan, for marketing reasons, obviously.

Unlike most people who self-actualize through their resolutions, as a people-pleaser I instead express my resolutions as a reflection of everyone’s expectations for me. So here is my new 2014 Daily Routine… laid out hour by hour and minute by minute for the coming year. After considering all the advice I received in 2013 is what my days will look like from now on:

DAVID DRURY’S 2014 DAILY ROUTINE NEW YEAR RESOLUTION:

AM

WAKE UP ROUTINE

6:00 AM  Wake up

6:00-6:05 Take slow and regulated deep breaths before I get up

6:05-6:10 Kneel beside by bed and pray the Lord’s Prayer to prepare for the day

6:10-6:15 Drink a glass of water (1 of the 8 required each day)

PHYSICAL EXERCISEfat_guy_on_treadmill

6:15-6:30 Drive to gym

6:30-6:35 Pre-workout stretching

6:35-6:40 Berate my out-of-shape self in the mirror for motivation

6:40-6:45 *Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to a child, wake them up first if they are still sleeping. Argue with their mother about whether eating a cake-pop for breakfast is wise.

6:45-7:00 *High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

7:00-7:05 Try to act natural look like you’re not the “New Year’s Resolution Workout Guy”

7:05-7:25 *Dialysis-diet cleanse

7:25-7:45 Body tone weightlifting

7:45-7:50 Cool-down

7:50-7:55 Post-workout stretching

7:55-8:00 Weigh myself and find out I haven’t lost any weight yet as usual

8:00-8:05 Cry in the shower to hide my girth, shame & tears

8:05-8:08 Shave so that today no older men tell me, “Looks like you need to stand closer to the razor”

8:08-8:10 Brush and floss

8:10-8:15 Drink a glass of water (2 of 8)

8:15-8:30 Drive home

BREAKFAST

8:30-8:45 *Eat something gluten-free, even if it tastes horrible

8:45-9:00 Sit up straight and fully chew my food instead of gulping it down

9:00-9:05 Drink a glass of water (3 of 8)

9:05-9:10 Read the newspaper to stay up on current events

9:10-9:15 Share, retweet or post my own very divisive political statements based on how angry the paper made me

SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT

9:15-9:18 Review past memorized verses

9:18-9:22 Time alone for meditation & reading Break Out by Joel Osteen or Extreme Mansion Makeover by Steven Furtick

9:22-9:23 Prayer time for missionaries

9:23-9:24 Prayer time for all the sick people I know

9:24-9:29 Time to memorize new verses

9:29-9:34 Time to deeply study a chapter of the Bible

9:34-9:35 Time to review verse I just memorized but already forgot

9:35-9:38 Prayer time with my family

9:39-9:40 Post an Instagram video of my family praying together to impress my friends and seem more spiritual than them, likely using the new “Maven” filter

MORNING TO-DO LISTdialisis

9:40-9:45 Pick up the 48 articles of clothing left in the living room by my kids while I was working out, eating and developing myself spiritually

9:45-9:50 Read Christian books and magazines which will have great covers but be oppressively boring.

9:50-9:55 Wake up and read books and magazines on writing to develop my craft

9:55-10:00 Journal to express my soul and develop a free spirit in writing

10:00-11:00 Actually write articles and book chapters

10:00-10:29 Promotion of my writing to agents and publishers, including cash bribes

10:29-10:31 Brush and floss

10:31-10:40 Fix things in my house that are broken

10:40-10:50 *Dialysis-diet cleanse

10:50-11:00 Perform car maintenance

11:00-11:20 Vacuuming and dusting

11:20-11:25 *High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

11:25-11:30 Shower

11:30-12:00 Delete all the unneeded emails and junk e-mails and social media messages I received the day before. Achieve daily Inbox Zero required to maintain sanity.

PM

LUNCH

12:00-12:15 *Eat something gluten-free, even if it tastes horrible

12:15-12:20 Drink a glass of water (4 of 8)

12:20-12:35 *Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to a child

12:35-12:50 Skim read The New Yorker while watching Fox News in order to off-set one another.

12:50-12:55 Brush and floss

AFTERNOON TO-DO LIST

12:55-1:05 Spend quality time with my son by entering his open LAN and interacting with his computer-generated avatar in an open-world computer game. Craft survival tools together. Fight creepers and Zombies. Teach him about the birds and the bees in the chat menu while we mine for coal and diamonds underground. Double-check to ensure it’s really him first, as prosecution is possible if not.

Warm Months:

1:05-1:45 Lawn fertilization, aeration, irrigation, patching, seeding, protecting, growing, re-fertilizing, coddling, winterizing, mowing, showing off for neighbors, etc.

1:45-2:10 Tend to garden to ensure I am getting home-grown all-natural vegetables and fruit in my new gluten-free diet.

2:10-2:15 *Give a creatively decorated summertime cake-pop to a child

2:15-2:30 Can or dehydrate foods for the long winter, to help my Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego Plan

OR Cold Months:

1:05-1:45 Snow removal

1:45-1:50 Dress more warmly

1:50-2:00 Drink coffee to stay warm

2:00-2:15 Huddle pathetically in corner while teeth chatter

2:15-2:30 Open packages and dehydrated food from the summer

2:30-2:40 *Give a creatively decorated Christmas cake-pop to a child

2:40-3:00 Drink a glass of water (5 of 8) while on hold with customer support

3:00-3:10 *High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

3:10-3:15 Shower

3:15-3:30 Visit elderly shut-ins to show respect and love to my forebears

3:30-4:00 Volunteer my time at local community service organizations, and soup kitchens

4:00-4:15 *Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to a child

4:15-4:55 *Dialysis-diet cleanse

4:15-4:55 Watch “Dr. Phil” while getting my *Dialysis-diet cleanse in order to gain new life strategies and homespun professional “get real” wisdom that gives me a new perspective by featuring astonishingly idiotic people which the camera will zoom in on so close I can count their nose hairs

4:55-5:00 Clean up my puke after watching Dr. Phil

5:00-5:05 Brush and floss

5:05-5:15 Write letters to long-lost friends to ensure we stay in touch

5:15-5:18 Look up names of long lost friends whose names I forget on Facebook and “add friend” to them

5:18-20 Deny the friend requests of old friends who want to connect with me

5:20-5:25 Write letters to television companies to beg them to stop creating endless amounts of reality television and game shows

5:25-5:30 Chat with neighbors to gain a sense of old-timey community in our neighborhood. Consider growing old-timey mustachio to enhance the feeling.

DINNERgluten_free_dad

5:30-5:45 *Give a creatively decorated cake-pop to children in the neighborhood. When they decline because they aren’t supposed to take candy from strangers just put them in their mailboxes.

5:45-6:00 *Eat something gluten-free, even if it tastes horrible.

6:00-6:05 Sit up straight and fully chew my food instead of gulping it down

6:05-6:10 *High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

6:10-6:15 Shower

6:10-6:15 Brush and floss

6:15-6:20 Drink a glass of water (6 of 8)

EVENING PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

6:20-6:30 Read articles about the latest culture war controversy involving evangelicals, celebrities, politics, reality TV,  Mark Driscoll, or a prominent homosexual.

6:30-6:40 Write rants about the above on social media.

6:40-6:50 Apologize to friends who are upset by my rants, because they are either far too conservative, or liberal, or both if someone misunderstood me.

6:50-7:00 Delete previously posted rants and replace them with pictures of cute cats, generic scripture verses, and obscure Sci-Fi memes, or if possible via Photoshop, all three at once.

7:00-7:20 Watch videos, listen to podcasts, or read articles from semi-celebrities I know online. Mention or tag them in tweets and posts so they feel that they “sorta owe me one later” so they do the same thing back to me tomorrow.

7:20-7:30 Cycle through my Facebook feed and click “Like” on everything my friends posted while at work today

7:30-7:40 Cycle through my Twitter feed and retweet the best examples of people trying to impress the world with their clever wordsmithiness and hashtaggery.

7:40-7:45 Wish happy birthday to my 4 friends per day (on average, literally) that had a birthday that day, adding to the list of 300 other people that did the same thing so that it is completely meaningless to everyone and the birthday folks don’t even read it.

7:45-7:50 Respond to urgent texts from the day by saying “Srry I just got this. Was in mtgs. Too late?”

7:50-8:00 *Dialysis-diet cleanse

8:00-9:00 Watch one hour of The Good Wife, Orange Is the New Black, The Americans, Orphan Black, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Rectify, and other shows I’ve never seen but my friends tell me I HAVE to start watching!

9:00-9:10 Pick up cereal crumbs, dishes, and glasses my kids got out while I watched an hour of TV

9:10-9:15 Drink a glass of water (7 of 8)

PRE-SLEEP PREVENTION TECHNIQUES

9:15-9:20 Put my kids to bed to prevent them from staying up all night eating M&M’s and playing videogames

9:20-9:25 Read a story with my kids to prevent them from saying I was a bad father when they grow up, consider doing this via Skype or Facetime to their portable devices to keep their attention and so I don’t have to get up.

9:25-9:30 Brush my teeth to prevent tooth decay while sleeping

9:30-9:35 Floss to prevent future root canals

9:35-9:40 *High intensity bodyweight workplace dance circuit wellness low intensity coached at-home five-minute fusion workout

9:40-9:45 Shower including ersonal grooming (including unwanted hair, nail & wart removal) to prevent grossing other people out

9:45-9:50 Stretch to prevent back trouble while sleeping

9:50-9:55 Eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away

9:55-10:00 Re-brush teeth and floss after eating the apple to prevent tooth decay

10:00-10:05 Fluff pillow to prevent stiff-neck

10:05-10:10 Kneel beside bed and pray the serenity prayer to prevent demon possession while asleep

10:10-10:30 Read 1/365th of the Bible to ensure I read the whole thing every year and prevent going to hell

10:30-10:40 Adjust daily to-do list for the following day to prevent lapse into last year’s endless cycle of loserdom

10:40-10:45 Get into chiropractor-prescribed bed to ensure no curvature of the spine

10:45-10:50 Lay on side to prevent snoring and thus prevent divorce

10:48-10:49 Think non-stressful thoughts to prevent bad dreams or insomnia

10:49-10:50 Get back up to stressfully drink a glass of water which I forgot to do earlier (8 of the 8 required each day)

10:50-10:55 Go to the bathroom, for the first time today

10:55-1100 *Give myself a creatively decorated cake-pop. Chew while crying self to sleep.

11:00PM Sleep 7 hours of a minimum of 8-10 hours I am told we require (there is too much of all this stuff in one day to get the 8 hours… you have to cut somewhere!)

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There you go… my new daily routine. Sounds great, doesn’t it? After I do this for the next 365 days I’ll be in great physical and spiritual shape and all the things everyone has been telling me I need to do daily will get done! I will finally be pleasing everyone with my life!

Of course, I had to leave out a few things in order to make this daily schedule of priorities work. Yes, there is no time for any friendships. Sorry. Nice knowing ya! My family also does not receive much time in this plan. My kids will have to tend to themselves for a few years. Also, I will have no time for my job anymore, which will mean I’ll lose my income and my home and perhaps my family (if they don’t leave me first after ignoring them for a year to do all this stuff). But those losses are no doubt a small price to pay for what matters most: pleasing everyone else with my spiritual and physical health! Check back in a year and see how I’m doing.

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So, what are your New Year’s Resolutions?

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